Tea would be a good idea right now, as I consume it I feel alive. Like it's the survival material for me...and it makes me feel better in general.

Right now, I don't think I can continue with college and I am very sorry to disappoint. It looks like English language is not my friend after all. 

Today I heard the news that some young man living in our village and diagnosed with cancer, if I am not mistaken, has passed away. I cried, because he is still so young and because cancer is something no one wishes upon another. 

I hope one day, I will be a better person, a good person, someone who has Qur'an and the teachings of the prophet Muhammed peace be upon him in mind, because right now I don't believe that I am. I try to pray well...I really do. 

So, we haven't talked about the thing that is killing me lately, which is, without a doubt, the need to stay in college and do better, well better than falling into academic probation. I already did that once, messed up even more, and my parents were more than disappointed. The suitable word would be shocked, horrified and angry. The fact that I will have zero prospects in the future is what made them that way, I guess. That's why in my household college is a must. Even if you're dying, literally dying of being in the position of the stupid one, a position you have not filled almost all your life before this new major post catastrophic event 1. All hopes are that there is no catastrophic event 2, because one was more than enough in terms of significant negative effect taking place.

No one really taught me much about religious things and obeying God. That's one of the reasons, I think, I am in this predicament: Not being able to graduate.

I like the idea of being sick, because at least when you're sick you have an excuse for not being so bright or energetic..etc. And thus, you're only really focused on getting better and well and that alone. That is exactly what I want: having an excuse. 

So, basically you're gonna die because no body appreciates or finds unwillingness attractive unless in the shape of refusing to launch another atomic bomb but like, even that some people might see as a good thing. OR that it is epic, the idea of it. 

Anyway. We live in a world that holds a million opinion. and the way we express those opinions, I choose to do so in English because I just think it's an accomplishment to learn a foreign language and then again many people might disagree.

في الحقيقة لا تواتيني المشاعر الآن.

So, I've come to this realization that I will never amount to anything. I feel like I can't go on, and I am gonna be regretting it soon even though I can't do anything about it. I have five different subjects this semester one of which I didn't particularly study for, attended the midterm or did the project required for it. The instructor of that subject is really cool. He allows to skip class if we don't feel well or something and he is generally approachable. 

As for the other subjects I am doing well in just one, which is translation 2. I am, for two reasons: one being the doctor is lenient and the course is practical. I got 23.5 and 22 in test 1 and test 2 which is really great but so did most of the class. They scored quite well too.

There is this subject called Arabic Syntax which is really hard. I don't understand much when I attend the lectures. I am pretty clueless during the 1 h 40 m it's held within. 

This leaves Arabic Skills 1 which is pretty good but I am kind of afraid of the final. Also, English morphology where I had 15.5/20 and 13/25 in the two tests we carried on for the subject. The second result is pretty bad. I am trying to fix it but I am not sure how.

In conclusion, I am really bad when it comes to studying. I have the habit of over thinking about the consequences of my bad actions and wasting time which is a waste of time itself. I hope one day everything becomes well.

She always have this sort of, internal struggle, of deciding whether she'll have coffee or tea and where to buy some from. She walks from her complex in the usual route to Arts. There is a small cafeteria there, but the coffee there is too sweet. So, she opts to some cardamom tea which isn't really horrible if you keep your expectations to a low level. While she's walking she thinks of her sister, the one that would call her completely silly and not serious enough for college. She might have a point, after all college is not about your preferred beverage. However, for me, Maria, it is.

I don't hate my major but I am not that much of an over-achiever. In other words; I have a life. I am one of those graduates who graduate with a C and take pride of that since they also had a social life. But don't get me wrong I'm not against getting an A. I am all for it. Actually the day I have my A's I prepare a special private party and tell all my friends and family members.

------ to be continued ------