Right, here is the thing, I am currently without any faith in humanity whatsoever because I don't believe what has happened to me is humane. I will tell you my story: I was a poor as in (yet to have achieved anything) college girl. I had just stepped on the dreamy world of having hopes and aspirations. before, I had lived each day on its own thinking that was what i will ever hope to get, the safety of living each day and managing to survive and not fail.

When I got accepted to the college of engineering I thought to myself: "Oh, I must've done something right." and it was my first choice so you can imagine how content I was with myself.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

TO BE CONTINUED

Why do we read? That's the question for today. I used to read because I found pleasure in it. I also read, to know more about a certain topic. Knowledge and pleasure combined.  

Sometimes you have to acknowledge that things are fine, and try to seek reassurance in the phrase: "things are going to be fine." if you're still breathing then you're fine. :)

If you're having a nice time where you can just READ while enjoying a good cup of coffee. That's a good thing, you should be happy.

if you're doing well in school and or work, that's a sign of things working out and being on the right track.

Be fine, be well, and be happy.

I am going to graduate.

Tea would be a good idea right now, as I consume it I feel alive. Like it's the survival material for me...and it makes me feel better in general.

Right now, I don't think I can continue with college and I am very sorry to disappoint. It looks like English language is not my friend after all. 

Today I heard the news that some young man living in our village and diagnosed with cancer, if I am not mistaken, has passed away. I cried, because he is still so young and because cancer is something no one wishes upon another. 

I hope one day, I will be a better person, a good person, someone who has Qur'an and the teachings of the prophet Muhammed peace be upon him in mind, because right now I don't believe that I am. I try to pray well...I really do. 

So, we haven't talked about the thing that is killing me lately, which is, without a doubt, the need to stay in college and do better, well better than falling into academic probation. I already did that once, messed up even more, and my parents were more than disappointed. The suitable word would be shocked, horrified and angry. The fact that I will have zero prospects in the future is what made them that way, I guess. That's why in my household college is a must. Even if you're dying, literally dying of being in the position of the stupid one, a position you have not filled almost all your life before this new major post catastrophic event 1. All hopes are that there is no catastrophic event 2, because one was more than enough in terms of significant negative effect taking place.

No one really taught me much about religious things and obeying God. That's one of the reasons, I think, I am in this predicament: Not being able to graduate.

I like the idea of being sick, because at least when you're sick you have an excuse for not being so bright or energetic..etc. And thus, you're only really focused on getting better and well and that alone. That is exactly what I want: having an excuse. 

So, basically you're gonna die because no body appreciates or finds unwillingness attractive unless in the shape of refusing to launch another atomic bomb but like, even that some people might see as a good thing. OR that it is epic, the idea of it. 

Anyway. We live in a world that holds a million opinion. and the way we express those opinions, I choose to do so in English because I just think it's an accomplishment to learn a foreign language and then again many people might disagree.

في الحقيقة لا تواتيني المشاعر الآن.

So, I've come to this realization that I will never amount to anything. I feel like I can't go on, and I am gonna be regretting it soon even though I can't do anything about it. I have five different subjects this semester one of which I didn't particularly study for, attended the midterm or did the project required for it. The instructor of that subject is really cool. He allows to skip class if we don't feel well or something and he is generally approachable. 

As for the other subjects I am doing well in just one, which is translation 2. I am, for two reasons: one being the doctor is lenient and the course is practical. I got 23.5 and 22 in test 1 and test 2 which is really great but so did most of the class. They scored quite well too.

There is this subject called Arabic Syntax which is really hard. I don't understand much when I attend the lectures. I am pretty clueless during the 1 h 40 m it's held within. 

This leaves Arabic Skills 1 which is pretty good but I am kind of afraid of the final. Also, English morphology where I had 15.5/20 and 13/25 in the two tests we carried on for the subject. The second result is pretty bad. I am trying to fix it but I am not sure how.

In conclusion, I am really bad when it comes to studying. I have the habit of over thinking about the consequences of my bad actions and wasting time which is a waste of time itself. I hope one day everything becomes well.